Christmas 2011 and a New Year on the Horizon

Well, Christmas 2011 has come and gone, and we are looking towards 2012 and whatever it will bring us. New Year's is a time for new beginnings and leaving the past behind. This coming year, I will be starting a new job making more money than I have ever made in my life. I'm very excited and a little nervous. We've been through a lot this year. We lost four family members, three of them within the space of one day and another just a couple of months ago. We also have one family member in jail for the deaths of two of those aforementioned family members. Needless to say, my family is struggling to deal with it all.

 As I mentioned in a previous blog post, things have just naturally begun to change. This Christmas was spent mostly at home with me, my husband, my youngest daughter, and my mother. I cooked Christmas dinner, and we all enjoyed it together. Then, we went to my mother-in-law's house to spend time with family. In previous years, I went to my grandmother's house for Christmas, but since she passed away in February, everything has changed. I was actually worried that Christmas would be sad this year because it was the first one without her. I did miss her, Brandi, Zoe, and Kyano and thought about them that day and on Christmas Eve. However, this Christmas turned out to be really wonderful because we got the chance to meet our beautiful new addition to the family, Ms. Lillian Jeannette Hart (my step-granddaughter). I may just be a step-grandmother, but I love Lily just as I will love my biological grandchildren one day. It was so wonderful to hold Lily. I had the privilege of holding her at our house on Christmas Eve and at Grandma Hart's on Christmas night. What an amazing feeling that was! She is such a precious baby! It was also wonderful to watch Bill hold his granddaughter for the first time and then get to feed her and let her fall asleep on his chest. He was so proud and happy! He loves being PawPaw!

I found it very refreshing also to watch Joe and Sarah take care of Lillian. What amazing parents they are! They take turns getting up with her at night and are both so attentive to her needs. Too many parents today just don't seem to care, but it is very obvious that these two young people were raised with the knowledge that family is what comes first. They know that their child's needs come before ANYTHING they want or need.

 I'm also very happy because my son came from Texas to see me. Late Christmas night, we went and picked Alex up from his stepmom's grandparents' house. It has been so wonderful spending time with him. I am so amazed at how quickly he is growing up. I am so proud of him. My oldest daughter did not come with him, however. I wish she would realize that I only did what I thought was right to protect her. I love Hayley very much! All I have ever wanted is to see my children succeed to the best of their abilities. I pray that Hayley will one day wake up and see that.

I'd like to take this time to wish everyone that may be reading a Happy New Year! I wish all of you the best that 2012 has to offer. May God bless you!

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays?

I saw a sign on a church close to my house that read, "It's okay to say Merry Christmas" which is what sparked my blog post this morning. Yes, of course, it's okay to say "Merry Christmas." No one ever said it wasn't. But what's wrong with saying "Happy Hanukkah," "Happy Kwanza," or cover them all by simply saying "Happy Holidays"? Can someone explain to me why the holiday season is only about Christians?

I am a Christian, but I get sick and tired of hearing other Christians talk about how "persecuted" they are as if no one else is. Look at what is going on right now with the TLC show All-American Muslim. Lowe's pulled their advertisements from the show after being pressured by a conservative Christian group. Now, the show's rating are dropping, and it may be pulled by its network. That sounds like a case of Christians persecuting Muslims to me. The group says that the show is not depicting Muslims as they really are. However, not all Muslims are violent and believe in killing people. There is only a very small percentage that are like that. Most Muslims want the same things as we do. They want the same opportunities we enjoy. What's wrong with that anyway? Are they not HUMAN BEINGS, just like us?

One of the main tenets of Christianity is that we are love our neighbors as ourselves. Guess what, folks? We have Muslim neighbors, gay neighbors, black neighbors, Jewish neighbors, etc. Jesus wants us to LOVE them, not hate them. After all, that is what this holiday season is supposed to be about, isn't it? Showing love and peace to all men and women? That means we are to love and respect EVERYONE around us, even the ones we don't agree with or even particularly like. If we allow that love and respect to come forth, it can help to make a world a better place for our children and grandchildren.

So instead of worrying about whether we say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays", why don't we concentrate instead on bringing forth the true spirit of the season?

"Let There Be Peace on Earth" by Vince Gill

Two Weeks of Notice

Well, I did it! It was something that I never thought I would do. I resigned from my job of almost two years. When I first started working for the company, I thought I was so blessed because I found a job where they treat their workers like family, and I really loved the work! I kept recommending the place to everyone I knew who needed a job. I even helped my friend, my husband, and my stepdaughter get jobs there because I thought the place was so great! I worked my butt off for them day in and day out. I never even called in sick in the whole almost two years I was there. The first month I worked there, I worked sick as a dog for about three days. I just couldn't let myself call in because I valued the job so much, and I just appreciated them giving me a chance to show them what I could do. I hadn't worked outside the home for about 5 years, so it's almost a miracle that they hired me at all. I had run a home daycare and did medical transcription, but I had my degrees in English and education and a pretty good writing ability that the company was able to recognize.

I remained very loyal to the company until about February 2011, when I watched many of my co-workers get laid off because the project we were working on did not take off as expected. They were told it would only be for 60 days, and now it's been almost a year. Then in October 2011, there was another round of layoffs, and I had to watch my stepdaughter and friend whom I helped get a job there have their hearts broken. That was supposed to be for 90 days only, but I have a hard time these days trusting anything the company says anymore. Just before the second round of layoffs, our paychecks did not arrive on time. That is when I decided that it may be time to look for something else. So I put some resumes out. The day after I did this, we all had a mandatory meeting in which we heard that we had our product and were going to concentrate more on sales and less on product development, and that is when the second round of layoffs occured. Well, since I work in production of new material, hearing that did not make me feel any better about my future with the company, so I was glad I had put those resumes out.

About a month later, I got a call from an online university, and they wanted to interview me for a position as an instructional designer. They told me the position started in the low $40,000s, and there was a possibility of working remotely. Well, by this time, I had been forced to take a pay cut and was making less than I made when I first started working for my current company. I decided to go for the interview and see what would happen. The interview went well, so they decided they wanted a writing sample from me. I completed it and sent it back in. It took a couple of weeks, but they finally got back to me and offered me a position working remotely with a salary of $40,000 to start with benefits and 401K. Because of the significant increase in pay, it was kind of a no-brainer. I accepted the position and got a start date of January 4, 2012.

I decided to do the professional thing by following the policies and procedures manual of my current (now former) company and give them two weeks of notice. Well, they decided that they didn't need me anymore and told me to leave right away. This happened yesterday, right before lunch. While it's nice to have a 2-week vacation right before I start a new job, it kind of hurt because of all the hard work I put into my job there. They just decided that they no longer needed me and threw me aside. I have come to realize, though, that there really is no company you can trust. I thought my former company was different, but they're not. They are all in it for the bottom line without having a care about people. They pretend that you're all one big happy family, but it's all a facade. They will cut anyone's throat if it allows them to make money. I find it sad that it has to be that way, and I am now actually glad to be away from them. I am losing four days of pay that I was counting on, but you know something? I think it's worth it just to have some peace of mind and a break.

So here's to a new year with new possibilities and new hope! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

Major Life Events and Christmas

Well, I was talking with my mom tonight about Christmas, and it really brought it home to me how so much has changed. When I was growing up, we would go to MeeMaw's Christmas Eve and then Mana's (my dad's mom) on Christmas Day. That all changed for the first time when I was a sophomore in high school. Mana passed away, and everyone kind of separated. My parents were already split up by this time, and my dad didn't come and get me for get togethers with that side of the family anymore. That was my first experience with how things change when major life events occur. 

The second time came when I got married myself the first time and had children. Suddenly, there were even more sets of relatives to visit, which meant a lot of juggling. People just don't seem to realize (or maybe they just forget) that it's harder for a family with small children to travel than it is for people who no longer have that deal with. However, people still expected us to come see them without making the effort to come see us.

The third time came after my divorce and subsequent remarriage. Now, there were even more sides of the family to juggle, and it came with a price. Sometimes, I wouldn't get to see my family at all some holidays because I had to be with my husband's family. Additionally, my children's father wanted to see them for the holidays, too, so I would really only get half of the holiday with my children, which can be very difficult for a mother.

The fourth time came when I remarried for the third time. My new husband (and best one, by the way) had his own Christmas traditions that I wanted to honor. When I met him, I was still going to my MeeMaw's on Christmas Eve as I had done from my childhood, but I also went on Christmas Day since I wasn't seeing my dad's side of the family anymore. Bill's tradition was to have his kids over to his house for Christmas Eve to hang out with snacks and to watch A Christmas Carol. Because I love my husband and I was going to MeeMaw's on Christmas Day anyway, I decided to honor his tradition and be with him and all of our kids, his and mine, on Christmas Eve.

Now, this year, it has all changed again. My MeeMaw has passed away. This is our first Christmas without her. I have also lost two young cousins, one almost 16 (tomorrow would have been her 16th birthday) and one 18 and a new mother. It's hard to really embrace the holidays this year because now, I have to come up with new family traditions. Also, my two older children are not with me. In fact, my oldest daughter wants nothing to do with me. At least my son is coming after Christmas to see me for a little while, although I really wish I could have him on Christmas. It somehow doesn't really feel like Christmas this year. I hope the Spirit of Christmas comes along soon. I really want to enjoy the holidays, but I miss my lost family members so much, especially my MeeMaw.

There are some bright spots, though. We have a new addition to the family, and we get to meet her in just a couple of weeks!!! I am very excited to see Ms. Lillian. She is such a beautiful little girl! Maybe seeing her will bring Christmas alive to me again.

Don't get me wrong, though. I am  incredibly happy here with my husband and my daughter. Having them makes me smile everyday. I guess tonight I'm just missing all the good times growing up and realizing that I'm getting older and it's almost time for me to be the grandma. Where did all that time go??

Good night!

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! It is a bittersweet one this year. While I have much to be thankful for, this is also the first major holiday without my MeeMaw, Brandi, Zoe, and Kyano. Ever since I was a child, I've gone to MeeMaw's for Thanksgiving. I miss her so much, especially now.

I also, as always, miss my two beautiful children who are in Texas (Hayley and Alex). At least Alex speaks to me and wants to see me, but Hayley doesn't. I miss both of them so much! It makes me so sad not to have them here for Thanksgiving.

Some things I am thankful for are my wonderful husband Bill and my precious daughter Amy. I am thankful to have the acceptance of my stepchildren. I will always be grateful for that. It means so much to me! I love them all! I am also thankful for the newest addition to the family, Lillian Jeanette Hart. I feel so blessed to get to be a part of her life. I am also thankful to still have a job when so many don't.

Even in the midst of great sadness, there are still bright spots, and those are the ones to concentrate on. Praise God for our many blessings!

Now, what are some of you out there grateful for?

Since the new addition to our family on October 24, 2011, I decided it was time to update my family video. Here it is in all its glory! I hope you love it as much as I loved making it!

My beautiful family

My Little Girl.......

is no longer so little anymore. She is growing up! I've been struggling for several months trying to decide if I should tell her the truth about Santa Claus. I asked myself questions like "Will it ruin her Christmas and all the holidays and such with mythical creatures attached to them?" I started looking at websites trying to get advice, and the consensus seemed to be that I should wait until she actually came right out and asked. If she actually asks, the websites said, then she is already questioning it in her own mind. Well, the night before last, it happened! All of a sudden at the dinner table, she asked, "Mommy, is Santa Claus real?" I wasn't sure what to say, but I realized that it would be worse later if I lied to her now. So I told her. Surprisingly, she wasn't upset, but I believe that was because she actually already knew. This then led to all kinds of revelations about the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. 

So, my baby is not a baby anymore! It makes me sad, but at the same time, I am proud of how well she is growing up, how happy she is, and how very intelligent she is! 

 

If Tomorrow Never Comes.....

My mom posted pictures of the headstones of my three family members that passed away this year. My two young cousins, Brandi and Zoe, have pictures, and my grandmother's has a symbol showing that she was a skin donor.

                           

As I was viewing these tonight, I started thinking about the fact once again that you just never really know when it will be your time or someone else's time to go. Only God knows the exact time and place. Because of this, we need to make sure that we tell the ones we love exactly how we feel about them right now. You may never have another chance in this life. If there are people that you love that you haven't exactly treated quite right over the years, you need to take time to call them and let them know that you never meant to be that way. Let them know, too, how much you really care about them, love them, and are proud of them. This is especially true for parents and children. Children, no matter how old they are, need to know that their parents love them and are proud of them. Please don't let another day go by without doing this. It is more important than you know. God bless!

I know I've shared this before, but another listen never hurts.

If Tomorrow Never Comes

New Beginnings

Well, there is finally some good news to report. Last night, at 8:26 pm (October 24, 2011), a beautiful new life was born to the Hart, Panno, Lyle, and Easteal families. Her name is Lillian Jeanette Hart, and she weighed in at 9 pounds and measured 22 inches in length. All of us here in Florida can't wait to see pictures and eventually meet her. Lillian's birth is a bright spot in a very dark couple of weeks. It's been very difficult to look at the positives in life, but Lillian gives me new hope for the future. Don't get me wrong. I love my husband very much and have never been as happy with anyone as I am with him, but we are worried about losing out jobs next. However, the new life that was born last night into our family gives me renewed hope. There is always a new beginning on the horizon, and there is a purpose for everything. Bill and I have both been divorced and, that was a hard thing to overcome for both of us. However, because of those divorces, we were free to meet one another and create something new and better. The people that were laid off may now have a shot at greater opportunities that before they would have disregarded.

So before you let the bad things that have happened to you destroy you, take a look at the positives you have in your life, and take the time to consider the new possibilities and new beginnings that may be around the corner for you. Don't count yourself out until you have explored all the options. Remember, there is always something new and better just around the corner. God bless!!

Lillian Jeanette Hart

Listen to the lyrics! They're awesome!!!

Sad Day

Yesterday was one of the saddest days I believe I have ever experienced in my life. I watched 19 people that I worked with get laid off from our company. This has been the second time in 8 months. Then it was 30 people. It is so incredibly sad to walk by so many empty desks and wonder if you are next. The sadness of yesterday is still so vivid, especially when I think of my stepdaughter's face when she heard her name called. I just wanted to run over and put my arms around her, but she had to go get her paperwork. This was the best opportunity she has had in a long time. I pray that she can take what she has learned and apply it elsewhere. She so deserves a shot at happiness and fulfillment. I made sure I hugged her before she left, and I cried along with her. Shirley, my friend from high school, was also laid off. I feel incredibly guilty because I encouraged both of them to come work at the company. I know it's not my fault, but I can't help but feel a little responsible.

What's even worse is the anxiety that I feel now any time I think about work. I am afraid that it is going to happen again, and this time, I'll be the one to go. I have always loved my job, ever since day one, and it bothers me to feel so uncomfortable there now. All I want is to find a company I can retire from. I was so hoping it would be at this company, but now I'm not so sure. I mean I still want it to be, but I'm afraid it just won't happen. 

It's Official

It's official!!! I have gone to the dark side!! I officially became a Democrat today. I can no longer associate myself with a party that seems to want others to suffer just so that they can have things the way they want them. What is so wrong with letting everyone have the same basic human rights as everyone else? Why can't my co-worker be allowed to marry the woman she loves and have a family? Honestly, how does that harm anyone else? Let me tell you about my co-worker and how she cares about others. Today, we found out that our paychecks are going to be delayed until possibly Tuesday. Well, she knew about my little girl's birthday party, and she was concerned that we wouldn't have decorations and a cake because we didn't get paid like we were supposed to. She and her partner were willing to bake a cake tonight for us. How sweet is that? How many people would have been willing to go to that much trouble for someone else? And yet people can call her evil and a sinner because she happens to be in love with another woman! I'm sorry, but there is no way I can associate myself with a group of people that truly believes that. My co-worker is more thoughtful than many of the so-called Christians I know. She actually displays the love of Christ more than my former pastor and others at the church ever did. And yet people call her evil? Sorry, but no!

Anyway, I just wanted to share that. It has been quite a trying day, and I am going to curl up with my husband, watch a movie, and just veg out for a while.

Getting in Shape

Good morning! I'm just sitting here and enjoying a wonderful day off with my husband. That's one of the things that I really love about my job. We get a generous amount of holidays off with pay and are given no flak about taking time off. In fact, we start earning time off with our first paycheck.

Anyway, as some of you may know, Bill suffered a TIA about 7 weeks ago. His triglycerides were through the roof (2600), and his blood sugar was out of control. The doctor told him in the hospital that his diet had to drastically change, and he had to exercise more. We already walk twice a day at work during our two fifteen minute breaks, but that evidently was not enough. While in the hospital, a dietician came in and talked to both of us, and we learned a great deal about how to eat a balanced diet. Also, Bill was put on insulin (he is diabetic). We learned that he had actually not been consuming enough carbohydrates. Carbohydrates, in moderation, are actually essential to a balanced diet. That is where our bodies get the energy they need to function properly. Also, he had been eating too much protein and too much fat (cream of anything soups contain WAY too much fat we learned). A medical tech at the hospital also got some information for us about a gym that was opening up very close to our house at a price that we could not pass up ($10/month each and no contract).

So, when Bill was released from the hospital, I told him that I would go on the diet and exercise plan with him if he thought that would help him stick to it. He was very pleased and said that it would. No one had ever been willing to do that for him before. Besides, I need to get in shape as well. I want to be around to see my future grandchildren one day, too, not to mention that I would really like to look good! ;)  So, we got started with the diet. We eat a lot of fruits and vegetables and can even get some sweets (in moderation) occasionally. We are very careful to monitor the amounts of carbs, proteins, and fats we are getting in each meal and each snack.  Believe it or not, we have found that we can actually eat a pretty good amount of food and can be quite satisfied with it. You really don't have to eat a lot of junk to feel full. We both have noticed that we actually feel physically much better, and it's because the food we are eating is food that is actually good for us.

We also started working out 5 days a week in a gym. It's been awesome! We've gotten to where we are looking forward to it. (In fact, I'm sitting wondering if we can hurry up and go right now!) Anyway, we go right after work Monday through Friday and exercise for about 35 minutes. Bill rides the exercise bike and will soon be adding some weight training to the mix. I discovered a wonderful machine called the Arc Trainer (see below) that works the whole body hard and burns a pretty good bit of calories. This past Friday, I worked off about 340 calories!

Guess what? The work is paying off. Bill is losing inches around his waist, his blood sugar is almost completely back under control, and his triglycerides have come down from 2600 to 357! He is also building up some muscle. I've always thought my husband was pretty good-looking, but he is getting even better looking as a result!!!!  Yahoo for me!!!! As for me, I have lost about 5 pounds and am working on more!! I'm feeling better than I have in a long time, and last weekend, I was able to get some new smaller clothes. I can actually get clothes to fit my shape and look good in them!! I'm excited about losing more weight so I can get some more!!

If anyone is interested in what we've been doing to lose weight, let me know. I'll be happy to help out. The best way to lose weight and get healthier is by simply adjusting your diet and exercising. Fad diets are not going to do it. You may lose weight, but it won't be in a healthy way.

LOL  I just realized that I have written ANOTHER happy blog post! Shirley should be very pleased! Love to you all!!!

Happiness

Hi! Well, my friend Shirley told me that I should write about happiness. I guess some of my posts haven't always been that happy. Therefore, I am going to write about some happy things tonight. First of all, I have a very happy marriage to a wonderful man. He is loving, caring, sensitive, and what I consider a real man to be. I thank God every day for bringing such a wonderful man into my life. I have never been treated with so much genuine love and respect before in my life.

Secondly, I am a proud mother of three beautiful, healthy children. Although two of them are not with me right now, I do love all of them very, very much. I am extremely proud of my son Alex. He is really growing up into a mature and sensible young man. I could NOT be prouder of him. Amy is doing very well in school and is getting ready to take dance lessons after the first of the year. My daughter Hayley is 18 now. I miss her and her brother Alex greatly. Hayley is not speaking to me right now, but I will always love her. She is my first-born, and I am extremely proud of her as well.

I also happen to be very proud of my three stepchildren. The oldest lives in Chicago, and his wife is pregnant with their first child. Yes, that means I will be a step-grandmother!! Who knew it would happen this quickly? Bill and I are very excited about it! (I'm secretly hoping the baby will call me Maw-Maw or Mee-Maw. That will be so cool!!!) I am very thankful to Joe and Sarah for making me and my children feel so welcome in the family. I will be forever grateful to both of them for that! The middle child lives in Pace and works with her dad and me at our company. Out of all three of Bill's kids, Rachel is the one who reminds me the most of him. I am so pleased to have gotten a chance to get close to her. She has such a wonderful heart and is much more intelligent than she gives herself credit for. Her dad and I are so proud at how well she is doing at work. They love her there!! Bill's youngest son is away at college right now at Melbourne, and he is the one that I got to know first and best of all three. I even got a chance to teach Geoffrey to drive! It was an interesting experience to say the least, but he did it! I'm so proud of him. He is incredibly intelligent, and I can't wait to see what he is going to become! He and I got really close, and I am so proud that he feels free to talk and even confide in me sometimes.

 

I am also happy to have a wonderful dog named Bella. We found her on Craig's List, and she is a very sweet Jack Russell terrier. She comforts me when I'm sad and follows me everywhere. She thinks she is a big, ferocious dog until a thunderstorm comes up, and then she needs me to protect her! LOL

Finally, I am very happy with my job. I have been working at Smart Horizons now for almost two years, and I love it! It really is the best job I have ever had. My coworkers and supervisors are really great, and it's a pleasure to go to work every day. I am very hopeful that this job will be the one that I get to retire from one day.

Some people may look at my life and wonder why on earth I am so happy. I don't really make that much money, I'm on my third marriage, and two of my kids no longer live with me. I miss my kids terribly, and I wish they were here. However, the life I have here with Bill, Amy, and Bella is actually a pretty good one. As my husband says, "We have everything we need and a fair amount of what we want. I think that's pretty good." Many people out there have it a whole lot harder than we do. I consider myself to be incredibly blessed and (yes, Shirley) very, very happy!! Love to all!

Is the United States Still a Christian Nation?

The answer I'm afraid seems to be no. In fact, I'm not sure that we ever were. Take a look at our history, and take a look at the way we treat one another today. I wonder sometimes if God is ashamed that we call ourselves Christians. People in our part of the country enslaved other people once simply because their skin color was different. In fact, we fought and killed each other over it. Do you really think God is proud of that? What about the people who were already here when we arrived? We just pushed them out of the way so we could take what we wanted! People think it's okay to hate other people simply for being different, and people don't believe in giving basic human rights to others simply because they don't live their lives the way those people think they should. If you stop and think about it, we are all basically the same and want the same things out of life. We all want to love and be loved, and we all want a chance to make something out of our lives. Why should anyone stand in the way of that?

Also, can anyone tell me what good it does for anyone to work against everything President Obama wants to do? Does anyone really want our country to improve or are they just willing to do everything it takes to make Mr. Obama look bad? How about we think about our country's future for once instead of just thinking about me, myself, and I?

I posted the link below to my Facebook page, but I'm not sure how many people actually saw it. If you haven't read it, you should. It's very interesting and exactly what Bill and I both have been saying recently. Check it out. It just might make you think!

Do We Really Live Like Christians?

Check out these videos as well and really listen to the words:

Casting Crowns--Does Anybody Hear Her?

Casting Crowns--Jesus, Friend of Sinners (Lyrics below)

"Jesus, Friend Of Sinners"

Jesus, friend of sinners, we have strayed so far away
We cut down people in your name but the sword was never ours to swing
Jesus, friend of sinners, the truth's become so hard to see
The world is on their way to You but they're tripping over me
Always looking around but never looking up I'm so double minded
A plank eyed saint with dirty hands and a heart divided

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours

Yeah...

Jesus, friend of sinners, the one who's writing in the sand
Make the righteous turn away and the stones fall from their hands
Help us to remember we are all the least of thieves
Let the memory of Your mercy bring Your people to their knees
No one knows what we're for only against when we judge the wounded
What if we put down our signs crossed over the lines and loved like You did

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours

You love every lost cause; you reach for the outcast
For the leper and the lame; they're the reason that You came
Lord I was that lost cause and I was the outcast
But you died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet

'Cause You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks Yours

And I was the lost cause and I was the outcast
Yeah...
You died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet

The Eagles--The Last Resort

Life and Death

Hi. I'm just sitting here tonight thinking about life and how fragile it really is. You just never really know when it is going to be your time to go or someone's time that you really love and care about. About seven months ago, I lost three members of my family within the span of 24 hours. First, my grandmother passed away at the age of 84 from a heart attack. It was very unexpected, but when people get to be her age, you know that it could be anytime. We miss her terribly, and I regret not spending enough time with her. I sure am glad, though, that Bill and I were able to take her, my mom, and his mom all out to lunch a couple of times. We had a great time with them. Bill's mom and my grandma were born in the same month except that my grandma was a year older than Bill's mom. (I know that sounds weird but Bill and I are about 11 1/2 years apart in age) Losing MeeMaw (my grandma) was very sad, but what happened the next evening was so shocking that it all still seems so surreal, even to this day. My cousin was taking her daughter Zoe (who was 18 and a new mother) and my other cousin Brandi (who was 15) to buy dresses for MeeMaw's funeral. Sadly, they were in a terrible accident, and the two teenagers were killed instantly.

This shows us that death can come to anyone at any time. I was thinking about this tonight because headstones were finally delivered this week for MeeMaw, Zoe, and Brandi's graves.

It hadn't been that long since I had seen them when this happened, and they were all so full of life. I wish I had another chance to let them know how much I loved them. The picture below, though, is what really got me thinking:

The name on the bottom right of this headstone is my mother's name. This is a woman who has always been my rock. She has stood by me so many times and has loved me unconditionally. Seeing her name on that headstone reminded me again of how precious time with our loved ones is and how we just don't know when it will be anyone's time to go.

About seven weeks ago, Bill experienced a transient ischemic attack (TIA) also known as a mini-stroke. I thank God every day that he is still with me and that he has no permanent damage because I really could have lost him. That is why I am working so hard to help him get his triglycerides down and keep them down and helping to keep his blood sugar under control. I am exercising with him and eating the very same diet he is eating. It makes it easier for him when someone else does it, too. I also make sure that food he can't have is not allowed in the house. One thing that I am always sure to do, too, is let him know everyday how much he means to me.

I want to urge everyone reading here to let the people you love know how loved they are and how much they truly mean to you. You may never get another chance to do it. Thanks for reading!

RIP Brandi, Zoe, and MeeMaw
Garth Brooks--If Tomorrow Never Comes

Why So Open?

Some people have questioned why I am so open about some of the things I’ve been through in my life. Well, let me ask you this? Why do you think some people don’t come to church? Have you considered that it is possible that some of these folks just don’t think they’re good enough to come in? When people first come into a church, what they see most of the time are people who look like nothing is ever wrong in their lives, and what they hear are people telling them how bad the things they do are. They begin to feel like there is simply no hope for them, so they leave and never come back. They feel as if they will never measure up to that woman up there leading the praise team or that man up there preaching, so really what’s the use?

I am of the opinion that it is important for ministry to let people know that they are only human, too, and they make mistakes. The trick is letting them know that they can rise above it and become something greater. The pastor at My Father’s Vineyard here in Pensacola is a wonderful example of this. He did some terrible things in his past, but he was able to rise up and overcome them to be an outstanding example to others. And you know something? He doesn’t mind telling anyone about his past because it shows them that he was weak, too. He even talks about some of the mistakes he makes even now. It lets people know that people in ministry are just people like the rest of us. So, come on, ministers! Show us what you got!

Of course, this doesn't just apply to ministry. We can all use things that we've been through in our lives to help others get through similar things. It's not a crime to tell people that you, too, are weak or have been weak in areas but were able to work through those things and become the person you are today. Don't be afraid to show weakness, and don't be afraid to admit when you don't know something or when you make a mistake. Allowing these things to show in your life can actually help others get stronger and pull themselves up, too. Our goal should be to build others up rather than tearing them down to make yourself feel better. Putting others down doesn't change bad behavior in others. It instead reinforces the behavior because they begin to believe that they are a failure and might as well not even try.

Try to look for the good qualities and reinforce those in people instead of always looking for the bad. You just might be pleasantly surprised at the results! :)

Casting Crowns--Stained Glass Masquerade

Christianity

Hi! I wanted to talk a little tonight about Christianity and what it means to me. First of all, I want to say that I am a believer, and I do consider myself to be a Christian. Unfortunately, my version of Christianity and the church's version of Christianity are not exactly the same. I believe that Jesus really meant it when He said that we should love another and that we should welcome one another in, even if they don't agree with us. However, I have noticed that the church seems to feel that it's perfectly acceptable to leave certain people out and control the way people behave.

Example #1: I went to Pensacola Christian School (now known as Pensacola Christian Academy or PCA) from nursery school to 5th grade. While I was there, I was told how to dress, what music I was allowed to listen to, and what television shows I was allowed to watch. If I deviated in any way from this, I was sinning against God. Since those days, I have noticed that Pensacola Christian College's main goal is to keep its students separated for the most part from mainstream society. In fact, they are trying to close down part of a public road to suit their purposes. Also, they tell their students how to dress and behave and do not allow them to date.

Example #2: I was raised in the Baptist church. This time, there was a pastor telling us what to do and how to live. Also, no other belief system in the world was correct except Baptists. Everyone else was simply wrong. I was also taught not to associate with people who did not believe, but in the same breath was told to witness to people about Jesus and tell them that they would burn in Hell forever if they did not accept him. Needless to say, it left me very confused. The Baptist church was where I first encountered the Rapture doctrine. You know the one. Jesus will return to earth and take away all the Christians, leaving everyone else to die horrible deaths at the hands of the Antichrist. Then all the Christians and Jesus would come back to a new earth and reign it forever. Again, there they go leaving people out again. I have always had a problem accepting a loving God wanting to see people suffer, but that's just me, I guess.

Example #3: I was a member of a small church here in Pensacola for 9 years. I did learn a lot there, but even they thought it was okay to leave some people out. They claimed to welcome everyone, but then they would use terrible, hateful words to describe people that were different than they. Again, in one breath, they would say love everyone and then call homosexuals a terrible hate word that I don't want to repeat here. The pastor of the church was very domineering and expected everyone to do everything he said. This is the same church where I was dismissed from a leadership position in a very humiliating way.

These experiences have led me away from church as I previously stated, but it does not change my faith in Jesus Christ and in Christianity. You see, true Christianity is not about following some doctrines and laws. It is about love. That's it. Pure and simple love, nothing more and nothing less. God IS love. And he loves us unconditionally, no matter what. I find it very unfortunate that the church and organized religion has taken Christianity and twisted it into something that people have no desire to be a part of. They are told, in essence, that in order to be accepted by God, they have to change everything that some pastor tells them they should. However, that is really not true. God accepts us just the way we are, and He wants us to accept others just the way they are. He said nothing about telling them everything they are doing wrong. What he did tell us to do was show them love and mercy because that is what Jesus would have shown if He was here. Telling people that they are bad all the time does nothing but encourage that person to be upset and angry all the time.

I believe in accepting everyone. I wish I could start a church because if I did, I would welcome anyone, no matter how they look or how they dress or what kind of lifestyle they lead. Yes, that means anyone from the LBGT groups are welcomed in. I just want a chance to let everyone know how truly loved they are. That is the one thing that Jesus stressed the most. If more people would show love and support to one another, how much better do you think this world could be?

Listen to the words:

If We Are the Body--Casting Crowns

Unbelievable!!!

Over the weekend, I found out that my 2nd ex-husband (the piece of work; his name is Jamie) moved again and wants our 8-year-old (Amy) to come and stay overnight at his new place on his next weekend. Normally, I would not have a problem with that. I don't believe in keeping children from their parents because when you do that you are punishing the child. I did, however, want to get the address and name of the person he was living with, which is my legal right. I mean, after all, I did let him know who I was moving in with and who would be living there when I moved from Milton to Pensacola. As Amy's father, I felt he had the right to know, even if I personally don't like him. Anyway, I wanted the name and address so I could check this new roommate out and make sure it was okay for Amy to be around him. See, my ex has not historically made good decisions throughout his life. After all, this is a man who invests in quick-rich-schemes all the time  instead of working for a living! And you know what? The schemes never work! Big surprise there, right??This is also the same man who married a 76-year-old woman when he was 48 so he could live off her money instead of getting a job. She just recently passed away, so who knows what he'll do next?

Jamie met his last roommate on Craig's list and now this one, too. He just moves into these places without making sure the people are not convicted felons or something and then wants to take Amy around them! He gave me a hard time about wanting the address and name of the guy, accusing me of trying to control who he takes Amy around. However, what I am really trying to do is keep Amy safe. Anyway, when I put this guy's name in the Clerk of Court's website, I pulled up a rap sheet as long as my arm. This guy has been convicted of burglary, possession of cocaine with intent to sell, possession of marijuana, assault, and cyberstalking. He was even arrested in April 2011 for something unknown. This guy even sells things from his house, what things I don't know. Jamie, however, thinks it's perfectly okay for Amy to spend the night over there with him!

I think not, but I'm really not sure what I can do about it. I don't mind if he just wants to take her for the day and bring her back at night. Unfortunately, you can't reason with someone like Jamie. He never feels like he does anything wrong.  If anyone has any ideas about how to handle this, speak up please. I need all the help I can get!

Church?

Good Sunday morning, everyone. It is Sunday, and I am sitting here listening to some praise and worship music. In fact, one of my favorite songs is playing: "Shout to the Lord". Some people that may be reading this know that I was once a praise and worship leader at a small church in Pensacola, Florida. The years that I did that were some of the most amazing of my life! I loved leading God's people in worship. I miss it to this day. I did get to a point, however, when I just didn't feel the joy I once I had, though. One of my best friends noticed it when it was happening, which he told me after the fact. I think much of it had to do with the fact that I no longer felt supported by other members of leadership, and that hurt me. There was a time when I took the praise team to a festival where other church choirs and praise teams were singing. I thought it would be a good way to let people know about our church. I asked the congregation to come and support us, but NO ONE but one person showed up! I wanted to step down then, and I went to my pastor and asked to do so. At that time, he talked me out of it, so I stuck with it for a while longer. Finally, it got to a point where I could no longer continue. Bill, who was my boyfriend at the time, and I decided to move in together, something I knew my pastor would not support. I decided I needed to step down at that time, and Bill and I went to talk to him so I could step down. He and his wife, as expected, were unhappy about the choice I had made but told me that I could lead worship the next day as usual. I spent that night preparing for worship, and I was happy and relieved because I had been honest with him. I was thinking that perhaps my honesty had led to me keeping my position as praise leader. I even felt more energized about worship than I had in a long time because I thought I had his support once again. However, when I got to church that morning, I was taken into the office and told that I had to step down that very day, something that I had not prepared for. I was devastated because I thought that I was going to be allowed to continue (however, I should have known better). I cried through the entire worship time and then could barely speak when I had to address the congregation about stepping down. When I left the church that day, I was determined that I was not coming back, and for a long time, I did not. I've actually only been back three times since then, and that was when one of favorite preachers was going to be there.

I just don't understand to this day why he couldn't have just let me quietly step down. I felt so humiliated. Maybe that was his goal. I don't know. Ever since that time, I have not really been able to go to church regularly. I have a very hard time trusting pastors and others in leadership after what happened. I had a found a church here in Pensacola that I really enjoyed, but even they started preaching things that I could not agree with. Also, I came from a church where you know everyone personally, even the pastor. This church, though, was so large that there was really no way to do that. I kind of felt like the needle in the haystack there. There was no personal touch.

Also, I have a hard time going to churches where people are excluded simply because of things in their lives that church people consider "sin". For example, I have a coworker who happens to be gay. No, it's not the same lifestyle that I have, but I don't consider it to be wrong. She and her partner are no different that my husband and I are, other than the fact that they are both women. They want the same things out of life and want nothing more than to be treated the same as anyone else. I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with that! My coworker is one of the most generous and caring people I know, but the church calls her sinful. You know something? Everyone has something in their lives that people are going to call sinful. Yes, that even includes pastors, evangelists, and worship leaders. I know of one pastor's wife who has a problem with an addiction to pain medication. How is that "sin" different from any other sin? It isn't. NO ONE but God should be judging anyone else because we all have things in our lives that may be considered "wrong" in someone else's eyes. There was only one person that ever led a perfect life, and we put Him on a cross!

I believe that we are supposed to love EVERYONE, even if their lifestyle is different than ours because that is what Jesus commanded us to do. "Love your neighbor as yourself." How much plainer could He be? However, these are the kinds of beliefs that are not popular in most churches here in Pensacola (and many other places) today, and that is why I am not in church right now. I want very much to go and worship the Lord, but I guess it will just have to be from home right now. Maybe one day I can find a church that truly welcomes all.

Love to all and God bless!!

Shout to the Lord

Fear of Being Alone

One of the biggest worries I hear a lot of women (and men, for that matter) talk about is the fear of living the rest of their lives alone. I understand that fear all too well, and it has led me to do some really stupid things. What I came to realize after my second failed marriage, however, is that it is better to live your life alone than with someone who makes your life miserable. My second husband was a real piece of work. He was constantly putting me down and telling me that my opinions were stupid and meaningless. In his mind, a woman (no matter what kind of education she had) was never as smart as a man, and she should totally submit to the man, even if he was dead wrong (which most of the time he was). At first, I did whatever he wanted because I was so afraid of being alone forever. I also had this idea that God wanted it that way. The Bible does say that a woman should submit herself to a man, right? However, it also says that a man should love his wife as Christ loves the church. Guess what? That means that he is supposed to love and respect her, not make her feel worthless and useless because she isn’t doing exactly what he wants just the way he wants it. 

Once I figured out that I didn’t have to submit to him all the time, things started to change. I started making plans about how I was going to leave him, and I started to no longer put up with his crap. He didn’t like that, and one night, he gave me the ultimatum that I talked about before. He solved my problem for me because I was able then to get out and away from him. However, that dark cloud of worry about being alone was still hovering over me, and I started looking for someone else right away which was a big mistake. I needed to take the time alone to sort out whom I was and what I wanted out of life on my own before involving someone else. I had three kids to think about as well. I went through a series of losers, one of which was so much like my second husband that it was scary! I even had my eye on someone who lived in another state but never really gave me an indication that he wanted to be anything more than friends. When I got to that point, I just stopped looking and started trying to figure out how to be on my own and independent. Well, lo and behold, not too terribly long after that, this wonderful man named Bill came along. He had been through a similar experience as me, but he had been married much longer. That did almost scare me off, but he had also taken the time to examine the things that went wrong in his first marriage and knew exactly what he wanted in a relationship and wasn’t settling for less, just like me. He noticed, too, that I was doing pretty well on my own and had no issues with neediness. Like him, I didn’t NEED someone in my life to make me happy. I simply wanted someone to share my life with, just like him. So we started talking online and finally met each other in person. From there, we fell in love, moved in together, and got married. We both say that we are happier and more content than we have ever been in our lives. For him to say that after being married for 25 years is incredible and makes me feel like the most wonderful wife on earth! I love him dearly and wouldn’t trade him for all the tea in China (one of his favorite sayings)!

Although I am now happily married, I still worry sometimes about being alone one day, but I know now that I can make it. And remember this, ladies (and men). You are never really alone if you have faith in God, a family, and friends that care about you. Having a romantic partner doesn’t always stop you from feeling lonely, either. Being with someone who makes you feel worthless is much worse and can leave you feeling lonely and sad, even when you are still in the relationship. Find out who you are on your own and become independent. I promise you that you will feel empowered and confident in yourself, and it will show to others. And you know what? That is exactly the kind of woman a good man is looking for (and the kind of man a good woman is looking for).

Declare Your Independence!!

Okay, ladies, I know that many of us women have been brought up to believe that we are supposed to care of everyone else’s needs ahead of our own because that is what good wives and mothers do. Okay, I agree with that…….but only to an extent. You see, what seems to happen is that you get married and you have the kids, and then your life is no longer your own. It becomes all about the husband and the kids, so much so that there is really nothing left for you. It’s not just wives that experience this, either. It is the same in a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, especially when they live together. The fact of the matter, ladies, is that you HAVE to take time for yourself and pursue the things that make you happy. Being able to do so is what helps you learn to love yourself and be truly satisfied with your life. The man and the kids get to do things they enjoy. What’s wrong with you doing things that you enjoy? Stand up for yourselves, ladies, and declare independence! Take your life and make it your own again! This doesn’t mean you don’t still care about your family and still do things with them and for them. What it does mean, though, is that you take time to do things you enjoy and you get to know yourself as who you are instead of as someone’s girlfriend, wife, or mother because you are more than that!

Incidentally, your family will be much better off, too, because you will be happy and self-fulfilled. This, in turn, makes you more willing to help them with their needs with no complaints. If you have teenagers, they will tell you that you’re being selfish, but don’t listen. Enjoying your life is NOT selfish. It is a RIGHT that we all have and that we don’t give up just because we have boyfriends, husbands, or kids. Teenagers are simply selfish and think the world revolves around them, especially teenage daughters (this I know from experience!).

One more thing: if your man doesn’t allow you to do things that you enjoy and is not understanding about you wanting to do these things, he does not really care about you. All he cares about is himself and what he can get out of you. A real and loving man wants you to be happy and fulfilled in your life simply because you are the woman he loves, and he will do whatever he can to see that you are, even if it means having to help take care of the house and the kids. It’s his house and kids, too, after all, right? So, ladies, stand up to these men and children, and declare your independence!!! You will be glad you did!