Church?

Good Sunday morning, everyone. It is Sunday, and I am sitting here listening to some praise and worship music. In fact, one of my favorite songs is playing: "Shout to the Lord". Some people that may be reading this know that I was once a praise and worship leader at a small church in Pensacola, Florida. The years that I did that were some of the most amazing of my life! I loved leading God's people in worship. I miss it to this day. I did get to a point, however, when I just didn't feel the joy I once I had, though. One of my best friends noticed it when it was happening, which he told me after the fact. I think much of it had to do with the fact that I no longer felt supported by other members of leadership, and that hurt me. There was a time when I took the praise team to a festival where other church choirs and praise teams were singing. I thought it would be a good way to let people know about our church. I asked the congregation to come and support us, but NO ONE but one person showed up! I wanted to step down then, and I went to my pastor and asked to do so. At that time, he talked me out of it, so I stuck with it for a while longer. Finally, it got to a point where I could no longer continue. Bill, who was my boyfriend at the time, and I decided to move in together, something I knew my pastor would not support. I decided I needed to step down at that time, and Bill and I went to talk to him so I could step down. He and his wife, as expected, were unhappy about the choice I had made but told me that I could lead worship the next day as usual. I spent that night preparing for worship, and I was happy and relieved because I had been honest with him. I was thinking that perhaps my honesty had led to me keeping my position as praise leader. I even felt more energized about worship than I had in a long time because I thought I had his support once again. However, when I got to church that morning, I was taken into the office and told that I had to step down that very day, something that I had not prepared for. I was devastated because I thought that I was going to be allowed to continue (however, I should have known better). I cried through the entire worship time and then could barely speak when I had to address the congregation about stepping down. When I left the church that day, I was determined that I was not coming back, and for a long time, I did not. I've actually only been back three times since then, and that was when one of favorite preachers was going to be there.

I just don't understand to this day why he couldn't have just let me quietly step down. I felt so humiliated. Maybe that was his goal. I don't know. Ever since that time, I have not really been able to go to church regularly. I have a very hard time trusting pastors and others in leadership after what happened. I had a found a church here in Pensacola that I really enjoyed, but even they started preaching things that I could not agree with. Also, I came from a church where you know everyone personally, even the pastor. This church, though, was so large that there was really no way to do that. I kind of felt like the needle in the haystack there. There was no personal touch.

Also, I have a hard time going to churches where people are excluded simply because of things in their lives that church people consider "sin". For example, I have a coworker who happens to be gay. No, it's not the same lifestyle that I have, but I don't consider it to be wrong. She and her partner are no different that my husband and I are, other than the fact that they are both women. They want the same things out of life and want nothing more than to be treated the same as anyone else. I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with that! My coworker is one of the most generous and caring people I know, but the church calls her sinful. You know something? Everyone has something in their lives that people are going to call sinful. Yes, that even includes pastors, evangelists, and worship leaders. I know of one pastor's wife who has a problem with an addiction to pain medication. How is that "sin" different from any other sin? It isn't. NO ONE but God should be judging anyone else because we all have things in our lives that may be considered "wrong" in someone else's eyes. There was only one person that ever led a perfect life, and we put Him on a cross!

I believe that we are supposed to love EVERYONE, even if their lifestyle is different than ours because that is what Jesus commanded us to do. "Love your neighbor as yourself." How much plainer could He be? However, these are the kinds of beliefs that are not popular in most churches here in Pensacola (and many other places) today, and that is why I am not in church right now. I want very much to go and worship the Lord, but I guess it will just have to be from home right now. Maybe one day I can find a church that truly welcomes all.

Love to all and God bless!!

Shout to the Lord