Yesterday was one of the saddest days I believe I have ever experienced in my life. I watched 19 people that I worked with get laid off from our company. This has been the second time in 8 months. Then it was 30 people. It is so incredibly sad to walk by so many empty desks and wonder if you are next. The sadness of yesterday is still so vivid, especially when I think of my stepdaughter's face when she heard her name called. I just wanted to run over and put my arms around her, but she had to go get her paperwork. This was the best opportunity she has had in a long time. I pray that she can take what she has learned and apply it elsewhere. She so deserves a shot at happiness and fulfillment. I made sure I hugged her before she left, and I cried along with her. Shirley, my friend from high school, was also laid off. I feel incredibly guilty because I encouraged both of them to come work at the company. I know it's not my fault, but I can't help but feel a little responsible.
What's even worse is the anxiety that I feel now any time I think about work. I am afraid that it is going to happen again, and this time, I'll be the one to go. I have always loved my job, ever since day one, and it bothers me to feel so uncomfortable there now. All I want is to find a company I can retire from. I was so hoping it would be at this company, but now I'm not so sure. I mean I still want it to be, but I'm afraid it just won't happen.
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