Control

Hello! Well, it's been quite a while since I posted here. I've been really busy with work and well......life in general. I woke up thinking this morning about control and how I used to let so many people control my life and how I behaved. I was what you would call a "yes" person. If my husband or friends discussed something, I felt like I should be in agreement with them. I think much of that had to with the fact that I wanted everyone to like me. I couldn't stand it when I thought people didn't like me, so I would just go along with whatever they said. Back then, I had very low self esteem. I really thought I wasn't good enough for anything. My husband at the time told me all the time that I was lazy and not good at anything, and my friends left me feeling like I was a terrible mother because I didn't mother my children exactly the way they thought I should. I even had one "friend" who, every time we had an argument, would go to my husband and complain about me. He would then proceed to defend her and blame me for everything. Then, he would make ME go and apologize to HER!

It was an incredibly rough time in my life, and I became severely depressed. As a result, I really became a not-such-a-great mother, and my two older children have suffered for it. I would even (and I am ashamed of this) discipline my daughter for things my friends told me she had done, even though those things didn't really happen quite the way I was told. Because of this, my daughter came not to trust me and went looking for someone else she felt she could trust. This led her into a very destructive relationship, which she is sadly still involved in. My son eventually went to live with his dad in Texas. He did struggle with some problems for a while there, but he has really pulled himself out of it and is doing great. He is finishing high school next year, has a job, and just bought himself his own truck. I'm very proud of him! Sometimes, though, it makes me sad because he had to get away from my destructive behavior in order to become the man he is growing into.

I have since come to realize that the only one who can actually control the way my life is going is me, not anyone else. Moving away from all those controlling influences helped me to wake up and realize that I am a good and intelligent person who can run her own life. I now have a really good job that pays very well, an awesome husband who never tries to control me, and a fabulously intelligent and talented daughter who gets the benefit of actually having a sane mother! I've begun reexamining my spirituality and have realized that there is more to all of it than I actually thought. I can actually affect the things that happen in my life through just my attitude toward things. If I give off positive energy, then I will get back positive things. In the past, I was giving off negative energy, so I got back negative things. Now, things have gotten so much better simply because I prefer to see things in a positive light. I've met a great bunch of people at the Unitarian Universalist church and spend time once a month with some awesome woman in the Women's Spirituality Circle. I finally, after many years of searching, actually feel like I belong somewhere. It's truly amazing how a simple attitude change can change your whole life!

Remember all who are reading this, that when you start looking for the good things in your life instead of focusing on all the bad, good things will begin happening for you. I know it can be so difficult, but I promise you that it can happen. Thanks for reading, and I hope to find more time to post this year!!! :)